Uncertain Love but it's Love

Bf scared of me going off with another guy since I keep on saying “Go la with other girls!” I know I shouldn't really be saying that and honestly, I’m sick and tired of finding new one and being with him consider good already because whenever I’m trying to break up he never let me go surprisingly, no matter how much I asked to break up he still wants me. Frankly, I like la if someone ask me back I feel I’m so important and whenever I use the break up method to my previous ex they somehow reach their limit of wanting me but the current one I’m with seems to be unlimited. I bet you wondering why I keep asking for break up. Well it’s because he keep talking about his past and not understanding me. Couldn't blame him for not knowing because I know mostly guys are too dense to understand a girl feeling.

I know this suppose to be something private for me to say about my life towards God but I feel like sharing my story to people. Whenever I asked God for something like I want to be a good future wife for him, he gave me a lot of obstacle like testing my jealousy, anger and patient. For example, a girl that looks very attractive passed by us. I was afraid he might look and be the one who regretted having me and because of that I started to imagine negative images until I suspect he did something wrong without any proof. I know he didn’t and I hate it when the demon that whisper to me in my ears says bad things until it relate to his past (that I seriously don’t want to know because it’s hurtful while he tried dating with other girls :’( ). I know he’s  loyal to me and maybe from dating many guys in the past made me feel that all guys are the same but being with him it’s like hard to believe he’s not like any other guys.

It’s like I’m not satisfied because how can a guy like him love me when I’m 80kg and my face full of zits?  Currently, I’m trying to lose weight so I can find a proper job for my future and by the way, I quit my College because of an argument on personal matter until I felt like I better off working :/ and I think I’ve post about it somewhere but too lazy to put the link here. So anyway, about my boyfriend I guess I love him too much that it hurts because he’s handsome and seem like he can attract any girl he wants but instead he rather wants me. He keeps telling me that I caught his eye when we both met 9/10 years ago until now and last year he finally confessed because of my recent broke up.

We weren’t really that close last time but now is different. Wonder if this is God’s plan for me to be with him? When I started accepting Jesus into my heart I suddenly broke up with my ex and ended being with him. I remember like 2009 I wrote a post in my old blog which I’m trying to deactivate but I just keep it anyway and in that post I wrote about I had a dream of a guy that is Japanese with black hair that suddenly kissed me in a music/instrument shop. Then suddenly last year there’s him that remind me of my dream. That’s not the only thing that God did, even before accepting Jesus he already help me with some issue that I can’t face then 3 years later I heard from a friend that the person who gave me so much issue is in a wrecked in other word her life been ruin and I didn’t have to do anything at all. From there I now believe in Karma.

Back to my topic about my boyfriend, though he’s not perfect but maybe that’s God plan of giving him to me so I could change him and teach him some moral thing or give him some advice in the scripture and also maybe he’s also meant to be with me like he trying to change back my attitude about loving and trusting a person. I believe that God works in mysterious ways and honestly, I’m very much afraid of the trials he will give me and I have no choice but to go through it. I must and I don’t want to be controlled by darkness. So hopefully, praying for good things will help me and him to stay on long and trustworthy relationships.

I love him and God so much. As the scripture said about people who love one another that;

Ephesians 5:25

Husband, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Oh and this is a picture of us that I’m with makeup and without.

He prefers more without, probably because it’s attracting guys and he hates that. The first time we met I never wore make up and he likes that :) and I guessed I am lucky so girls please be respectful and do not steal other’s bf. You just be embarrassing yourself when they rejected you and yes I purposely make it sound annoying. Same goes to guys;

Matthew 5:28-29

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. if your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Suggest guys never to hang out with any girl to avoid any misunderstanding. I hate when movies shows that it's okay to hang out with anyone when it include drinking alcohol.

Lol. So as I prayed to God, please guide me through and please cover his eyes and my eyes towards the people who are not worthy to be look at and blessed our relationship for being together until we married and old and also we will both promise to serve you because we believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and shed his blood to cleansed us, in Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Judge, Fear & Forgiveness

By watching all this testimonies by others and say that the Holy Spirit led them to do it. Maybe the Holy Spirit that lives within me wants me to do a testimony too and for some reason I feel I know what to say and I guess I should be writing about it. So it’s about how we live in earth, are we doing correctly? I mean, are we following a good path or a bad path.

Funny thing about being in earth with people who have different understanding is that they think people who lives in a big house with nice cars and high raise job is consider a good path and the one who lives poor with not stable job is actually a bad path. Looking back at Jesus, does he really need all this material possession to feel satisfied? The answer is simple whoever that knows of him would obviously means no. Some quote I read in facebook says that we should be Christ-like and I’m not saying that we should be poor, I think too live happy is to be simple and go through hardship like Christ did. He was a simple carpenter and didn’t complain about it so whatever job you get you should be happy about it because they are many that’s mock others jobs and their payment saying they will live a poor live, well obviously it’s a sin to judge. Like one quote that open my understanding and that is

“Don’t judge my path, if you haven’t walked my journey”

People who live in a life without any worry and think they have everything such as money, food and etc. They will not care what others think, let’s say if you see an old people or poor people sitting in the street bagging for money, some people may say it’s either a con or they deserve it. We judge too quickly and sometimes we give like 1 or 2 buck is enough and we will think “Oh I just gave that man money so everything will be okay” or is it? And sometimes my mom or sister got angry at me for giving baggers money. Since I was small, I was naturally nice and shy to everything but now I’m starting to stay alert to whom I’m nice with but still nice if I needed to be and what I’m trying to say is that when I was eating with my parents in a shop when I was small I remember a woman carrying a baby begging for money in each table. I was pity because I think that her life must have gone through pretty bad but my parents think otherwise.

Their point of view is different from mine. I remember that they told me that we shouldn't believe in someone like that and if she wanted money she should work for it. I was upset and angry at the same time but I can't be angry at them because they're my parents and for some reason when I was small I felt Jesus was beside me giving me knowledge even if I don’t read the bible that time, I followed my feelings not what others say. Then at the age of 22 I just started reading the bible and found something interesting

Matthew 5:42

Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.

Matthew 5:38 

You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. 

39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

40 And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 

41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 

42 Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. 

Luke 6:38 

Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

Luke 6:35

But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.

So if you are wondering if I ever had done sin? Honestly, I do. I’ve been tempted so many times until conflict happens. It’s odd when you chose the bad path your troubles will be less but when you chose Jesus your troubles increase. In this world nobody believe in the devil and even if they do they rather not talk about it, probably because they are afraid of them but they didn’t know that what the devil are planning. If people recognize this verse

Proverbs 8:13 

The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogance, and the evil way, and the forward mouth, do I hate.

2 Chronicles 19:9 

He gave them these orders: "You must serve faithfully and wholeheartedly in the fear of the LORD.

Matthew 10:28

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One [GOD] who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

Therefore, don’t be afraid of the Devil or evil people that are in earth. They are nothing compare to God. Since he is the one who created us he is also the one who can take our soul away. Don’t blame him for bad stuff that’s happening, please remember the devil is strong at provoking people by whispering to them to do something bad such as killing, adultery and etc. Don’t also blame people but forgive them because it’s never their fault.

Luke 23:24

Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins

Even Jesus know it's not our fault, but the devil who tempted us.

I know it’s probably hard to forgive and I sometimes still curse about the people I despite and then realize what I thought was wrong to do but once you know Jesus and read more of the bible, you will understand that whatever the conflict you face is actually nothing to be so preoccupied about but it’s better to take back your baby steps to change fully. Beside, I really want my heavenly father to forgive me.

I hope this is true

Mom said something through the texted that she never said it before, well she did something similar but now is different. I don't know if she read my blog trying to make me change my mind about her but I did say she is a kind person. Just worried it happens again that's all because it's been repeating itself.

She sent me this.

My boyfriend however got mad at me for not being rough to get what I want. The problem is that I am naturally nice even during my Birthday I pay everything. Anyway, I'm glad mom gave me my freedom. Good thing I don't have to live my life hiding in the world and when I have a child I really want my child to see his/her grandparents.

I don't know what's wrong with the world now. I blame the devils to ruins people minds, including me sometimes. Actually, I did prayed to God continuously telling him I know that I am a sinner but I hope he could help me with something. So mom, I love you since I was small but I try not to fail you even if without education. Just please don't feel embarrass to have a daughter like me, even I believe God himself is happy to have everyone as his children even if they poor or rich and he never abandon and forsake them.

My last post I wrote it because of heartbreak and anger so now I guess I can calm now. God, I asked this and I don't expect you to see through my blog but whoever read this blog will be my witness. Guide me through the hardship and hopefully I achieve what I want in the end and bless everyone, including the one who is reading this now. Thank you God. I seriously don't want to burden anyone but myself.

I felt like the girl in Brave now, like the ending just my mom's at KK and I'm at KL trying to find a living. I'm 22 years old so I better be wise making decision now.

Money Can Make A Person Evil

From my last post, I've been talking about how I wish to live in a simple life and suddenly out of no where today drama happens. I really hate playing the blame game but it's about my College in SEGi being a pain in the ass. Seriously, who are we to blame? but it seems that everyone seem to be pointing finger at me for not being serious until my own mom said that I cheat on her or trick her, excuse me? Why don't you talk to me first before jumping to conclusion! you've been wasting your time waiting for their respond on your letter and I've been to College back and fort to ask about the exempt paper. I thought you were suppose to be the one asking for their schedule? Beside my sister also have been asking for the schedule and ask when I should be starting but they said something about to ask me to wait.

College and my mom destroy me! Seriously, if this world depend on education and money. I don't think God would be please. My mom is so unforgiving! I know God ask us to forgive one another which I will but I feel it's time I follow my own path than others creating one for me. It's the same old same drama rewinding itself.

3. 1 Timothy 6:10 

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

I know about the commandment say about "Honor your father and mother" but how am I to honor if my mom keep on making my life more terrible without any support?! She never once consult with me when I needed someone to talked to. I remember when I did a huge mistake in the past I felt like talking to my mom about it and it was like 8/9 years ago, you know what she said? She said I deserved it.

I thought she change for this couple of years because there's laughter and joy but there's no different, when it comes to trouble she is the same person as she was. My sister over read her sms and that good for nothing god child yang tidak tau malu! asked rm200 and my mom okay with it but when her former god child asked for money, she refuses because suddenly she convert to muslim and now she's wanting a divorce and still my mom wouldn't help to be her lawyer, where's the forgiveness? obviously, she just wanting face, and she called herself a St.Franciscan.

Guess what? She even fake a heart attack and asked her right hand man to text me about it.

Don't be tricked by it. If it really was an emergency, they would call but seeing how he sms seems to be calm and FAKE. We've been investigating her so-called heart attack when we called her office and one of her staff said she just went out and eat with ugak (right hand man) but her text that she sent to my sister said she's with the doctor.

Actually my mom is a kind person just she have this bipolar sickness. She been trying to destroy my dad which was far more worst than me. I shouldn't be spreading too much about her mistakes towards her own family because I know she wanting to be the one who is in controlled. A woman can't be in control, it should be the man. What I know is that Jesus want me to forgive and continue forward so I am by not going back but forth. I just let it pass by. Sigh, I just hate it when she scream at the College because of me, can't she say it kindly? I was there holding in my tears in front of the receptionist when they heard my mom screaming through the phone. It was an embarrassment again because it happens before in my previous College too, she asked one of the college staff to talk about me and said that I have problem.

Seriously, I have problem? I'm with a problem that is unsolved, the whole semester I just hold it in only but of course I have a limit, I stopped. Now I know how the girl from Brave feels, that she hated her mom's attitude but I can't let Disney movies manipulate me. I just have to go my way and choose the path that would make me get closer to God. I just don't want money and work to occupy me from the world and I don't want to be suck in by darkness also. I know maybe my Dad wish I continue but . . it's hopeless now. I felt maybe God wanting me to do something else.

So God forgive me for complaining the truth about my mom. I just can't stand it anymore. Please God be with me and forgive my mom for her unknowing deeds that she commit because she not know what she done. Same as Peter asked Jesus.

Matthew 18:21-30

 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times

It's time that I change

It’s been such a long time I haven’t been blogging about anything. When I read back all my blog post I realize I got some grammar issues so I try to work on that if I have more time here. So it’s 2013, this year it’s time I start being a new person because last year I just started thinking of God continuously everyday of my life but unfortunately being the human that I am, I’m still caught up by the material things that are in the world. I can’t change 100% directly but the good news is that I’ve been giving up many things to show I must change (I even burn some of the things believe it or not). I’ve been giving up video games, anime, cosplaying and whatever this world created to make us occupied.

I change but not many are satisfied with my decision. I get fewer friends now than before but at least it shows that they are still willing to be my friend. Before knowing and accepting Jesus into my heart, I was lost and many didn’t help me much when I had a nightmare about the world going to be controlled by darkness. I don’t know whether if it were a sign or just I’ve been watching too much horror movies but what I saw was seriously change my life forever. When I prayed in the dream the demon stop torturing me and I suddenly woke up. Click here to read more .

Then months and months flew by I felt like a new girl. Refresh after finding out the truth. The truth is that this world was made by GOD but humans have corrupted it and some people think the people who made these things are a gift from God. Although our life is easier now to be having many things to make us feel convenient and I believe it’s not wrong but abusing what you have will be.

So on this 2013, I’m going to try and change my outlook. I was a heavy makeup kind of girl covering God’s beauty by applying fake eyelashes, contact lens and so on just to be accepted by society. Then I realize why am I pleasuring others by my fake-ness? I should be pleasuring God but also a bit to myself. I only wear makeup just to cover up my blemishes.

Let's take a look at me without make up.

And this is me with heavy make up.

A lot of different, right?

My boyfriend hate me wearing make up and diet because he's a jealous type and he thinks I'm doing it for people which is partly true. I am thankful to have a boyfriend like him, he does admit I look nice with make-up but he said I look more beautiful without it. Makes me kinda shy, hehe.

So from now onward I will live my life simple. I wont chase something that wouldn't live forever because being with God is the most precious thing ever. So God help me even if there's still criticize me. Hopefully one day I can fully change and become the woman that God and my boyfriend want.